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| a wife (guest) |
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Posted:12/15/2006 11:59 AM |
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This year it came to my attention that my husband has been visiting strip clubs and watching porn. I was hoping that after talking with him and expressing my feelings that his heart would change. He had apparently stopped going to the clubs but then this morning, unfortunately, I found a stash or porn movies on our computer.
When I confront him about these things, he doesn't seem repentant and talks like he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's been doing. He even tells me its partly my low self esteem that makes me disapprove.
What can I do? I know *I* can't change his heart. I can't keep wondering if he's hiding things from me. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I definitely don't want him passing this behavior on to our son.
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Soldier4Christ
Posts:4
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Posted:12/16/2006 9:49 PM |
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I'm a wife and I've struggled with the very same issue. If you need to talk, you can email me at starlilly79@yahoo.com.
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bfairchild
Posts:9
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Posted:12/24/2006 11:15 AM |
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There is help available on Tuesdays for you and your husband. There's a specific group for men struggling with Sexual Addiction/Sexual Purity. We use curriculum from the first website listed below. If you husband is a believer he needs to know he is not alone in this struggle. You also need to know you aren't alone. You may want to consider coming on Tuesday evenings to the Recovery Ministry meetings.
While I'm not one of the pastors, I help lead the men's sexual addiction group. The websites below ARE Christian ministries, and on their pages you can find links to other ministries. Most of them have an area for spouses. It may be worth making an apointment to seak with one of the pastors in person too.
I'm praying for you and your husband.
http://www.sexaddict.com/
http://www.bebroken.com/
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| beenthere (guest) |
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Posted:01/01/2007 8:55 AM |
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I understand where you are coming from. I knew my husband went to those places before we ever meet and before he got saved. I never dreamed that he still had a porn problem but the truth came out after 10yrs of marriage. It seemed like we had been living a lie for those years, but I always felt like he was lieing to me, it was weird, so when the truth came out it was almost relieve to know that i wasn't nuts or imagining things. Our marriage had been rocky the year before I found out. We met at church and have always gone to church except for that year it was rocky - we just went whenever. It had gotten to the point that I felt like he didn't love me and that I was just a piece of meat to him, after all, that is the only time he paid attention to me. We were hurting finanically so I got a part-time job. Well, the owner started paying attention to me and made me feel important...need I say more. I was sick about what had happened and couldn't live with the guilt. We were actually going to church at the time so I called a friend of mine from there and told her (her & her husband are the kids church pastors & her brother is the pastor of the church). A couple of days later we had set up a meeting with them so that I could tell my husband what had happened. It was very difficult. A few days later he confesed to me about his porn addiction. Since then he has not had any problems. It was something he had struggled with since age 5 (his grandfather worked for playboy so there were always magazines around). I just wish that we didn't have to go thru what we went thru to get to where we are today - which is over 11 yrs of marriage now and it is stronger now than it was when we got married - there's not any more lies covering up a bigger spiritual issue that almost destoryed our marriage. So, my advise to you is to get plugged into church, reading and praying (I wasn't) so what happened to me won't happen to you. Also, porn addiction is like any other kind, he won't seek help until HE admits that HE is the one with the problem (there is nothing you can do - 6 pack abs, great self esteem, a ten body - it doesn't matter about you, all it comes down to is satisfing his addiction and he can do that with you too which is not right either). So, continue to pray for him but keep YOUR focus on God and feeding your spirit man because the spirit of porn can creep in the back door. I never dreamed I would be capable of doing what I did but his addition to porn had driven a big wedge between us and I wasn't plugged in like I should have been to be the kind of Ps 31 woman that I needed to be. It's so easy to start to actually "hate" your husband. I had actually started praying that he would die (this was before anything else had happened). So, please be careful and don't get sucked into like I did. My husband and I will be praying for yall.
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| beenthere (guest) |
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Posted:01/01/2007 9:08 AM |
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Oops! That's suppose to be PROVERBS 31. Sorry.
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| Guest (guest) |
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Posted:01/18/2007 3:36 PM |
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Porn is a terrible addiction. No arguments there. But, why do men fall for it so often? Any man that has been in church for any amount of time has heard just how bad it is for him. But what attacts him so strongly. Isn't anything that is addictive originally started in order to fill a empty place of unmet need? I have never heard a sermon that looked into the psychology behind this addiction or any other. Only the sin, guilt and consequences of taking part are preached. It must be preached but it a man sins in his mind long before it becomes reality. To conquer the sin a man must first understand the root and usually he perceives something is missing in his life. Wives, ask yourself if you are really understanding your mates needs and are you helping him manage those needs. You are the last person he needs to hear condemnation from.
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| living 4 Christ (guest) |
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Posted:01/18/2007 11:23 PM |
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Sexual addiction is a problem that runs crazy anywhere you go. But has anyone ever noticed that if there is a billboard that states someones beliefs about God, every unbeliever is protesting to have it taken down. But if you drive around town, you will see billboards that advertise adult clubs and adult video places. So why is this so acceptable?
In reality sex is used to sell everything.
Most men dont even realize that they have a sexual addiction.
There are groups within the church that deal with sexual addiction. There is no judgement here and we all help each other to become better men in Christ.
But the man has to want to change and realize that this is a problem.
I will pray for you and others.
May God Bless.
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conflicted wife
Posts:1
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Posted:07/02/2007 7:35 PM |
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I too, just became aware of my husband's problem w/ porn. This has been a very conflicting issue with me. We got marrried young and now just 2 months shy of our 20th Anniversary. When I first became aware, I confronted him, and he denied it. Just last week, there was proof. He finally admitted it and asked me to help him with his problem. The thing is, I can't trust him. This goes back to our early years with infidelity on both sides. We have continued to work through everything. Now, I don't know if it can still be done. Every other day, I find a website that he is a member of. Also, websites for group personals. To know that he is advertising himself out there to others, is unexplainable. He even gave out his cell number on one of them. I deleted what profiles I could and changed the passwords to those I can't. I just don't feel that I'm still enough for him. This past week at church, I just turned it over to God.Now, I'm just having trouble doing that. I feel like I still have a hold on it. I don't trust him nor do I believe him. Not believing him is hard.I feel that God can help us, but I'm the only one asking for help. I want him to attend Integrity for Men on Tuesdays, and he said he would, AFTER I suggested it. And, After, I suggested it, he changed his cell #. I just need some guidence and prayer with this.
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gfike
Posts:230
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Posted:07/04/2007 9:16 AM |
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"Integrity for Men" is a great idea for your husband, but I would suggest you get involved as well on Tuesday evenings with one of our women's groups. Couples counseling is also a great idea, and we have several good counselors we can refer you to. Call the office and ask for me or Debra if I am not available.
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| ttraider88 (guest) |
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Posted:07/05/2007 8:04 AM |
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I know exactly how you feel. My marriage went through the same thing. If you would like to get together (maybe several of us could) and talk, please let me know. Early on in my marriage it was not as out in the open to talk about sexual addiction as it is today. And you didn't have all resources either, books, groups that meet, classes, etc. I felt very alone. I believe there is a group that meets on Tuesdays pm also that is for adults in pain and depression. You might check it out too. I will pray for you, your husband and your marriage. Again if you or anyone else would like to get together, please reply. It would have really helped me to have a support system like that. God Bless.
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| prov31womanwannabe (guest) |
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Posted:07/29/2007 5:45 PM |
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Conflicted wife, I know exactly how you feel. We are coming up on our twelve years of marriage, and I don't trust my husband at all, either.
What men out there need to understand is that nothing remains hidden for long; and that their addictions will end up hurting the ones around them, it is inevitable.
We have been attending counseling for this problem, and all I hear is that men who are addicted to porn is because they are battling their demons. (Not very well, I may add).
My dear sisters in Christ- one thing my heart actually aches to tell you- is that it IS NOT YOUR FAULT! I read a prior post that, although it doesn't come out and say it, it suggests that maybe there is more that a wife can do, by "understanding your mate"- but, please hear me, my sisters- there is nothing you can do, if YOUR HUSBAND will not open up to you or want change. At that point, it is up to you to make a very difficult decision. This is a very dangerous area for women, because the bible tells us in Genesis 3:16 "...and though your desire will be for your husband, he will be your master." I have found upon closer study, that one translation is "to control your husband". (Check it out for yourself!) In other words, as women, we must daily struggle to not control our husbands. As for me, it means that my husband is a full person, a man in his own rights, with his own FREE WILL, there is no amount of fasting, praying or believing (or anything else for that matter- if you're considering going out to Victoria's secret, believe me, I thought about it) that WILL CHANGE HIS WILL. It will not happen!
Please hear what my heart is trying to say to you, my sisters, it is bad enough to feel the intense pain of betrayal without adding undue guilt, remember, it is NOT YOUR FAULT- our husbands will continue with porn if that is THEIR WILL.
To conflicted wife, I ask you prayerfully consider what I am about to say, because I find myself in a very similar spot. I know of an older person who is to be respected and admired, and yet, no one (even family) really wants to spend much time with her, because every time people come to visit, all she does is complain about her husband. About how he cheats, how he's never around, you name it, she just complains, complains, complains. So, now, they have been married thirty years, and she is thoroughly unhappy. I see her life, and I have to wonder if that is what I want for me, when I find myself at her age. My husband and I both suffer because our mistakes of the past since we both strayed, and now I find it almost impossible to trust anything he says. It is a terrible thing I wouldn't want to wish on anyone to have to live with someone who hides everything from you, even hides himself from you.
Even though we started to begin counseling, my husband was still very resistant, and now he doesn't even want to attend anymore. But even if couseling doesn't work to keep your marriage together- please consider attending counseling for yourself- you will need someone to open up to and talk to, to begin to feel validated again. Please do not underestimate the power of this validation, because I am afraid that if you do, you are setting yourself up for a big fall, and you may just find yourself falling into the arms of the first man who does validate you in any way.
Husbands- this is for you- I am telling you from the heart of a sister in Christ- and if I believed my husband would hear me, this would be for him to- whatever you do, do not lose sight of the preciousness of your wife. The God-fearing wife is an invaluable, irreplaceable treasure. She will respect you, love you, and for the true God fearing husband, she will always follow you. However, if you do not follow the Lord, you cannot hold her responsible if she doesn't want to follow you. She will always follow the Lord first- this is the kind of woman you fight for, you do not let go, and let the devil have his way in your marriage. If you let her go, than it just shows that you didn't deserve her.
I know these words seem harsh, but a really good Pastor once spoke on the importance of speaking harsh truth. Jesus never shyed away from speaking harsh truths; and if we brothers and sisters in Christ truly loved each other, we wouldn't shy away either.
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| conflicted wife (guest) |
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Posted:08/09/2007 8:10 PM |
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Thank you. Everything you said went straight to my heart. I am trying to get counseling, but there is always something that prevents me from going. I feel that the devil is working overtime and trying to keep it all together is very hard. The new series in Church,Soul to Recovery, is so real. Fighting to keep from breaking down is even harder.
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| prov31womanwannabe (guest) |
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Posted:08/13/2007 11:45 PM |
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Conflicted wife, breaking down really isn't all that bad, if you break down and leave it all to the Lord. Place everything on the altar. There is no one better able to handle all of our troubles than Him. Let Him be your everything; your husband, your lawyer, your doctor, your friend; anything you need Him to be, He is. Ok, ok, I'll stop preaching. I only mean to encourage. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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| Guest (guest) |
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Posted:08/14/2007 8:14 PM |
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While I have not been married for so long, and I have not had any experience with infidelity, I do have a husband who is addicted to pornography.
My husband has taught me that objectification of women is something that most men do from the time they understand "like" and "dislike" of what they see (ie elementary to middle school), and that the longer he has been objectifying the harder it is to break the habit.
Many people have many ways of approaching addiction, I pray that your husband finds his soon. I also pray you find peace within yourself about who you are and what you can do to help love and support your husband through these times.
There are times for harsh truths and there are times to let God work in husbands through our prayer. I bounce between the two fairly regularly when things get bad, but God will help the both of us when we ask him to carry those burdens and empower us to get through what HE thinks we can take.
Keep your chin up, you're NOT alone, and though many don't post to this particular thread I know for a FACT that there are MANY prayers flying about this spiritual world for you and your husband.
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| pancake (guest) |
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Posted:08/15/2007 12:50 AM |
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This is actually my wife's username, but I wanted to add a reply to the postings.
I have struggled with pornography for many years (while married, while attending church, while serving in church). And although it has been a while since I have last "viewed" anything, I realize it is still a weakness. When I shared my struggles (and sins) with my wife, it caused her great pain, and nearly resulted in divorce. With her forgiveness and help, I have been able to battle this area of sin. Her pain is still there (nearly 4 years later), and her trust in me is still not 100%, but I'm willing to accept the blame for that, and am also willing to do what it takes to heal our relationship.
There are a few things to remember through this:
You are not to blame for this situation. Your husband made (and makes) a conscious choice to engage in these activities, and regardless of the way things are between the 2 of you, it was (and is)HIS choice. Many of us guys tend to blame this problem on our exposure to porn in the past, and while that may have been where things started, we could have stopped it also. We just choose not to.
If he is not willing to admit that this is wrong, or that he has a problem, you will probably not be able to make him see that it is. I don't know if he attends church, or has any male Christian friends that he feels close enough to "talk" with, but another man will probably need to help him understand. Most of us guys don't get too "deep" in converations, and sharing something like porn addiction is definitely a taboo subject, especially if we can rationalize why we do it. This situation may need an "intervention". You should probably seek counsel from a pastor or elder of the church.
Pray. Regardless of what anyone can say to your husband, God can do more from the inside than we can from the outside. Pray daily, hourly, as often as you can.
Do whatever you can to protect your son from exposure. Again, for myself and a lot of other guys, we saw our Dad's magazines or movies, and it started our travel down the wrong road. This is another area where a pastor or elder may be better equipped to help you.
I am very sorry that you have to go through this, but realize that this situation may strengthen your marriage, it may increase (or start) your husband's walk with the Lord, and it may end a cycle that has been passed down from father to son for generations.
Continue to seek Godly counsel, from the church Leadership, from The Bible, and from prayer.
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| prov31womanwannabe (guest) |
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Posted:08/22/2007 3:04 AM |
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I have no doubt that for the man who sincerely desire change, it will happen with the Lord's help; however, he has to want that help. Although internet porn is not an area that I am afflicted with, I imagine it's probably something akin to a drug addiction, of something which I am familiar.
The serious problems arise in a marriage where the spouse does not want change; and no amount of prayer, fasting, prayer combined with fasting, prayer combined with fasting while dancing in the middle of the San Antonio airport with the guys dressed in orange togas is going to even so much as "influence" the Lord to take someone's will away from them, even if it is your husband of so many years. At that point, we need to say "hands off" and "Lord, do your will, have your way".
To Pancake (or Pancakes' husband actually) I sincerely want to commend you for replying to this controversial thread. I am sure that it wasn't easy for you to confront yourself regarding this problem, and were it not for someone such as yourself actually posting a message, I would have continued in thinking that this would be an activity in which men participated, but ALL men would keep it a secret. Because, it is, after all, a little harmless "objectification". When we put a ten dollar word on such a terrible sin such as that (Jesus didn't call it objectification, he called it like it T-I-is- ADULTERY) So, when we don't call it what it is, and make it seem like it's not so bad, like calling a violent stomach flu "just a little nausea", even more so, will men who are in this as it turns out, self-destructive (For when a man loves his wife he is actually loving himself Ephesians 5:28- think of the implications of what the opposite of that means, when a man isn't loving his wife he is not loving himself) pattern, stay in this pattern. How do you defeat the darkness? By pretending it's not there? Calling the darkness by another name that doesn't sound as bad? Like not-the-light? Absenceoflight? No, the only way to defeat the darkness is to bring light, and I want to thank you, brother for being a partner in bringing light. May God Bless and keep you.
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| leigh (guest) |
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Posted:09/08/2007 12:58 AM |
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I have also gone thru the same thing with my husband. After years of battling it with him, I finally decided it wasn't my fault and there is nothing I can do different to keep him away from that deed. He really isn't a Christian man and so I know asking him to go to church won't help us. He also believes that it is not a problem so counseling is out of the question. I have learned to turn my cheek and made a decision to live with his deed. I don't know if i am enabling him or not, but it wasn't worth my strength and fustration to try to make him change. Again, we have spent years on this addiction. He just can't seem to resist and the sad part about it is I end up being neglected because he got his fill. I believed all these years that there was something wrong with me and my self-esteem, because he did this and it made me feel bad and ashamed. I just want to thank everyone for their courage in speaking up.
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